Missing Idiot Report
This weekend, I’m going to file a Missing Persons Report on my husband.
Okay, so by now some of you are doing a very dramatic, bordering-on-cartoonish, double-take. “Husband?!?!?!” you say, “What husband?!?!?!” Yeah, husband. We just passed our 10-year anniversary in August, in fact. Not that it matters; I left him on January 1, 1998. Best damn New Year’s Resolution I ever made, and one of the only two I’ve ever kept. (The other being the one I made the year before, to lose 10 lbs. by the end of the month – not really hard, as my middle daughter Red was due on the 14th.)
So I have this husband that for all practical purposes, I ditched about 8 years ago. With good reason, but we shan’t get into all that right now. And now, he is missing. He’s the type that disappears quite often (as he did during our marriage), for a few days here or a week there. Not unusual at all to not see him for a week, then get a phone call that he’s living up near Austin. He rarely feels the need to tell his mother, or for that matter the mother of his children, where he is. Since he’s never paid child support, and rarely spent time with the girls anyway, it doesn’t really matter on a day-to-day basis.
Now, however, his family has not heard from him since September 21, the day of the large-scale Hurricane Rita evacuation. I don’t think he was swept away by the storm (I should be so lucky!) as it didn’t hit very hard in our area. No, knowing him I suspect he may have met with a worse fate. You see, I think he’s just dumb enough to have tried looting during the evacuation – and just dumb enough to not make sure his targets were gone before he started. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer (and yes, I know what it says about me that I married him). And in case you didn’t know it, Texans don’t take kindly to someone trying to relieve them of their hard-earned possessions, especially in times of distress. So this weekend, when I’m in Galveston County anyway, I will file a report. I don’t really want them to find him. I just want to start that seven year clock, should I need to have him declared legally dead. I think (nay, hope) that it’s cheaper than an actual divorce. Do I sound totally heartless? Probably. Do I care? Not really. Am I justified? Most certainly.
Okay, so by now some of you are doing a very dramatic, bordering-on-cartoonish, double-take. “Husband?!?!?!” you say, “What husband?!?!?!” Yeah, husband. We just passed our 10-year anniversary in August, in fact. Not that it matters; I left him on January 1, 1998. Best damn New Year’s Resolution I ever made, and one of the only two I’ve ever kept. (The other being the one I made the year before, to lose 10 lbs. by the end of the month – not really hard, as my middle daughter Red was due on the 14th.)
So I have this husband that for all practical purposes, I ditched about 8 years ago. With good reason, but we shan’t get into all that right now. And now, he is missing. He’s the type that disappears quite often (as he did during our marriage), for a few days here or a week there. Not unusual at all to not see him for a week, then get a phone call that he’s living up near Austin. He rarely feels the need to tell his mother, or for that matter the mother of his children, where he is. Since he’s never paid child support, and rarely spent time with the girls anyway, it doesn’t really matter on a day-to-day basis.
Now, however, his family has not heard from him since September 21, the day of the large-scale Hurricane Rita evacuation. I don’t think he was swept away by the storm (I should be so lucky!) as it didn’t hit very hard in our area. No, knowing him I suspect he may have met with a worse fate. You see, I think he’s just dumb enough to have tried looting during the evacuation – and just dumb enough to not make sure his targets were gone before he started. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer (and yes, I know what it says about me that I married him). And in case you didn’t know it, Texans don’t take kindly to someone trying to relieve them of their hard-earned possessions, especially in times of distress. So this weekend, when I’m in Galveston County anyway, I will file a report. I don’t really want them to find him. I just want to start that seven year clock, should I need to have him declared legally dead. I think (nay, hope) that it’s cheaper than an actual divorce. Do I sound totally heartless? Probably. Do I care? Not really. Am I justified? Most certainly.
posted by SaraSmile | 1:48 PM
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