Random Mental Messes

Stories from my past and present... random musings often inspired by the radio... and a way to keep close with loved ones far away.

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Location: Loveland, CO

Just a gal, just a mom, just trying to make it through the night...


Sunday, November 20, 2005

Not A Very Nice Person

That will come as a great shock to some of you. Others will recognize it as the understatement it is. I'm not a very nice person.

Don't get me wrong. On a good day, one that passes for normal on Planet Sara, I'm pretty nice. Sometimes what I consider to be a little under par (over par? my golf terminology is weak), other people are way too impressed with. But right now, I just feel... not very nice.

It's one of my Dark Times again. Not unusual, this time of year. Darkness falls earlier, the weather is cooler (in deference to my northward friends I won't call this "cold"), and sleep doesn't come easily. The ghosts run rampant in the dark and the chill. I feel distant and detached, out of place. With no direction home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone. I want sleep, need sleep, crave sleep more, yet I will wake up in the early hours and lie there, still, hoping that sleep will come to me again before the alarm rings. It doesn't. I sigh and roll out of bed to face another day. Some days, most days, at least some good things will happen. For an hour here, a few minutes there, I will catch myself smiling, laughing, enjoying life. Yet every now and then I will also catch myself lashing out. Griping at the friend who is only trying to be supportive and make me smile. Closing myself off from the ones who would help me see light.

I do see light, though. I see a beautiful, bright, warm light at the end of the tunnel, one that is not the headlight of an oncoming train. I see my life improving in a short while. I'm no fool; I know it won't always be good, won't always be easy, nothing in my life can make me happy other than the commitment to being so. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I have to commit to my own happiness, and I'm deathly afraid of commitment to anyone or anything.

Or maybe I just need to get to bed. I do, after all, have to be to work in just under 7 hours.

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