Desperado

A co-worker let me know the other day that I could rip CDs into my computer’s library, and so I’ve started to do it. Los Lonely Boys, the Stones, and of course, my Eagles. Right now I’m in the process of listening to shuffled play, and entering song titles because for some reason it wouldn’t do it automatically. So one of my old favorites, “Desperado,” is playing, and for the first time in ages, I really listen to the words. Must be in a contemplative state of mind, because a line caught my attention as I was singing along softly. “It seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can’t get.”

Well my current situation is screwy and complicated, and I’m not seeing ANY fine things that are laid upon my table, so to speak, but I also find myself wanting things I can’t get. Somehow I think I set myself up for it. I think I allow myself to only want what I can’t get, because I can’t handle the responsibility that will come with getting something. Does that make sense? It’s similar to my friend Erika’s hesitance to quit smoking a few weeks ago, for those who are familiar with that story. Basically, she would rather NOT quit, than quit, backslide, and have failed at quitting… (Luckily for her lungs, and thus for those of us who love her, she took the plunge and has been doing wonderfully… YAY Erika!) I guess I would rather go after things that aren’t realistically attainable, so that when I don’t get them, I can blame it on the fact that they’re unattainable, rather than it being some error or failure on my part. A desperate attempt to avoid any real commitment, which in turn would open me up to… well, to what’s already happened to me in the past. Yet another crushing blow to my hopes, dreams, and plans for the future. It’s (crazily enough) like a line from an old Adam & The Ants song. “You cannot lose if you throw the race.”