A Word to the Wise Iraqi Insurgent

In the very near future, a blonde, brilliant, beautiful, bold, ballsy, brassy babe of a broad is going to be in your country, working hard to keep up the spirits of American troops.

I know your group tends to like to kidnap American contractors. So here is my advice to you.

Don't go after this one.

For one thing, in addition to all the other qualities I listed above, this chick is tough. She can take you. I'm not kidding. She'll kick your ass.

But for another thing... she has friends. There are certain kinds of people in this world that you really don't want to piss off, and I'm pretty sure that a redhead-Italian-witch-sister is someone you don't want to mess with. Just because I've never gone sky-diving before, don't think I won't steal a parachute and enlist the help of my favorite pilot for one very special mission. And if you don't think I can do you some serious damage without ever even laying a finger on you... well, just ask the little girl who tried to cut in front of my daughters in the bumper car line at the Santa Monica Pier a few years back. I bet she's still in therapy. I promise you, if you lay one finger on her, then when you get done with her, you'd better forget about your higher reward, 'cause Allah won't even recognize you, and those 700 virgins won't have anything to work with, if ya know what I'm saying.

Yeah. That's what I thought. Just move on, honey.