I'm Moving On

by Rascal Flatts

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Moving on. I can relate. I delayed as long as I could, but I have to be out of the apartment by the end of the month. I'm taking off work tomorrow to pack and clean as much as I can... doing some more of that each evening... and holding a garage sale Saturday. When it all comes down, I will do the best I can and then just get on with my life. But I discovered something when I was first starting the packing, and it disturbs me.

You see, when I first moved into that place, it wasn't an "I," it was a "we." It was me, my girls... and Little Bit's father. Things were pretty bad between us. He was in trouble with the law, though I didn't know how badly. He was in trouble with drugs, though I didn't really know how deeply, or rather, didn't allow myself to know. But still. The move was supposed to be the turning point, the beginning of our new life together. Without getting into some excruciatingly painful details, I will just say that it didn't work out that way at all. He never even spent one night in our new home, and suddenly I found myself even worse off than I had been when I met him. And now I'm packing things. Finding old letters, old pictures. His workboots, some clothes, his tools, all the things we moved in, expecting he'd be there to use them. And surprisingly, it hurts. Fresh pain, long after I thought it was behind me. True, it will never really be behind me until I talk to him and tell him it's over. I'm not sure I can, even though I am 99.999999999% sure that it is. But in the meantime, long past the point I thought I had gotten over it, here it comes again. Not missing him, necessarily, though I suppose I do miss the feeling I had when he and I first got together - the feeling of being cherished and taken care of and rescued.

Wow. That sentence was a rather disturbing revelation. Okay. And again, moving on.

So, back to "here it comes again"... Not missing him, necessarily. Just the feeling of helplessness, of failure, of not being enough or doing enough or whatever it is that keeps getting me into this kind of situation over and over again. The feeling of, "it wasn't supposed to be this way." I didn't sign on for this, you know... me and my upper-middle class, Catholic school, honor roll, scholarship life... And then I get angry... resentful... And I hate feeling that way.

I am so ready to get on with my life.