My Funny Valentine

I had never really had a special Valentine’s Day (my husband didn’t count and we won’t even go into the issue of Little Bit’s father), so last night was just about the time of my life. A few weeks ago, my unboyfriend – that’s probably the most accurate way I can describe the situation – mentioned that he expected to be spending the 14th with me. Since then, I was fussing more than he would think is necessary, I’m sure, over exactly what to get for him that wasn’t overly sappy/romantic/emotional, not overly attempted-seductive, but still not too little. At the last minute, on the night before, and only because I got out of school early, I managed to get him something that I think really fit the bill. I’ll brag about that in another post, I’m sure, but I want to get to the fun part…

So first of all, I show up at his place after school, which made it already almost 9 and we had dinner reservations. (As it turned out, we should have had reservations about the place, not for it, but no matter.) We had to do the gift-giving quickly. Laid out on the table was: a big box of chocolates for me, heavy on the dark chocolate; a fluffy white teddy bear, also for me, with UnBoyfriend’s signature on the red heart on the bottom of his foot; three little candy-filled hearts with Snoopy keychains for the girls; and three little stuffed animals (an elephant, a bear, and a puppy), also for the girls. That right there absolutely made my day –whenever anyone includes my girls in special occasions, it’s the best gift of all. I gave him his gift, which he really liked as well, and then it was time to head to the restaurant.

I’ve never gone out for German food before, though I’m at least moderately familiar with it – Hurricane Miah’s mom is German and I used to eat her cooking fairly often. This restaurant has apparently been in Houston forever, so you would think it’s really, really good. Well. Not so much. We ordered the combination plate for two, which comes with a little bit of everything – weinerscnhitzel, sauerbraten, spaetzle, sauerkraut, and a bunch of other stuff I can barely pronounce, much less spell. The waiter was… ummm… shall we say, not really an expert in providing excellent customer service – and UB and I got to the point where we were baiting him.

Me: What’s the spaetzle, anyway?
Waiter: I don’t know. I think it’s the white stuff. Or maybe it’s the brown stuff.
Me: No, I mean what IS spaetzle?
Waiter: I don’t know. Hold on. (walks away, comes back) Okay, he says the spaetzle is white, so I guess it’s either that (pointing) or that (pointing).
Me: But what IS it?
Waiter: I don’t know. Let me see.
Me: And what’s that? (Pointing at something red or brown)
Waiter: I’m not sure. Just consider it a bonus, I guess. (walks off – at this point, UB and I are snickering merrily – and then comes back) Okay. He says the spaetzle is flour and spices and water and egg, all kind of scrambled together, so… (contemplating the two “white things”) I guess that’s it (pointing at the spaetzle).

And to top it all off, the food wasn’t very good. UB apologized for the quality, but to me, it was certainly tolerable – and since the overall experience made for a good story, and we were able to laugh and enjoy ourselves so much, I didn’t really mind at all.

We took a break from hassling the waiter, to privately heckle (as in, we were heckling, but not to the point where they heard it) the musical act – and I use the term loosely. Two ladies singing, and a keyboard player. They began shortly after we were seated, and the one gave UB the eye, looking very interested, as he walked in the door. Then she saw me – and looked even more interested. Yikes. So they were singing, soft stuff, some a little jazzy, some a little easy-listening, some a little elevator, and most of it just a hair off-key, out of pitch, etc. More than once, UB and I commented amongst ourselves that we didn’t recall those songs being as long as they were. The ladies must have been doing the 12-inch-single, extended dance mixes. Still, there are certain songs that just shouldn’t be done by anyone who can’t get a record contract. There’s a reason you’re singing in a bad German restaurant at 9:30 at night on Valentine’s Day, honey, so Sarah Maclachlan’s “Angel” is a summit you shouldn’t attempt to attain. Then she tried to sing “Desperado.” Now, there’s bad, and there’s wrong. And then there’s sacrilege, which is what it is when you butcher “Desperado.” It’s like a four-year-old with finger paints let loose on the Sistine Chapel. It’s not even that hard a song to sing, to be honest, and that makes it even worse when it’s done that badly.

I’m just hitting the high points here, though there were many more moments that had us laughing, not the least of which was when UB and the waiter began verbal sparring that ended in the waiter holding four forks in his hand like weapons, and UB asking the waiter just how good the health benefits were at this restaurant. It was all in fun… I think. Still, I don’t ever recommend being too much of a smart-aleck with UB. First, because he can out-smart-aleck just about everyone I’ve ever met who’s not a member of my family, and second, because he’s not the kind of guy you want to tick off. He’s not violent, not that I’ve ever seen. He’s just… intimidating. (Which, by the way, makes my fluffy white teddy bear even more special!)

Oh, and the best part of the night? When UB said that the two best parts of the restaurant experience, were the $25 coupon he had, and me. Awwwwwwwwwww...

So all in all, the best Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had, with the best unboyfriend I’ve ever had. Some days, I really do enjoy my life!