Venom
*sigh* Y'all will just think I'm a terrible person... to be gone a month, and then when I do post again, to post something negative and unhappy. But what the heck, a blog is a good place to purge stuff, and this one has been simmering for almost 14 years.
It goes back to the days of Bret and everything that surrounded that whole situation. I had a friend, and for our purposes here today I'll call her Patsy. Patsy and I were in classes and clubs together, and we considered ourselves friends. Quite good friends, in fact, along with a few other girls. And I really thought she was a friend, until later on. You see, somehow over a period of less than a year, Patsy betrayed my trust. THREE TIMES. I don't take kindly to that. Patsy is probably the only person, in fact, that I hold this much of a grudge against, and she probably doesn't even know it, or if she does, she doesn't know why.
The first betrayal involved Bret. Basically, since Patsy was one of my best friends, she was also one of the only people who knew what went on between me and him. She may, in fact, have been THE only person, other than the two of us. That is, until she told her boyfriend. Who turned around and blabbed to Bret about it, in the form of asking him things like, "Did you really do that? How can you do that?" (Revealing, BTW, his own embarrassing lack of skills...) That alone put up a wall between Bret and I, and then she fortified the wall after I left for college, by blabbing to him all the details of my... ummm... liberation, shall we say? It took several years and several letters before he and I healed that damage, and we were never able to put it completely right again.
The second betrayal involved the man who wound up being my boyfriend after Bret and I fell apart but before I went away to school. We'll call him Ray. Ray and I were still together when I left for college. I later found out that he, too, had started cheating on me pretty quickly. There is really no defense for my cheating, especially the way I did, other than to say that I was quite emotionally vulnerable at the time, and one man (boy, really) was able to take advantage of that to an extent. Seeing myself as damaged goods after that, I just kinda let go. After a few months, and a proposal from Ray that I studiously ignored, Ray suddenly called me... in the dorm room of the guy I had been, ummm... seeing rather exclusively for several weeks. He confronted me with my cheating, conveniently failing to mention the woman HE was seeing, and gave me an ultimatum. It was a bitter and angry breakup. Months later, when he and I were able to talk about it civilly, he dropped the bomb... Patsy, it seems, went to college near where he was stationed. And it was she who told him about my infidelity. Now, granted, it was wrong of me to be unfaithful. I know that, I acknowledge my responsibility. But what kind of friend tells your secrets?
Third... and this is the one that's stinging right now... there was another guy in high school that I had a crush on. He was a friend, and one that I'm sure had no clue how attracted I was to him. But SHE sure knew. So later on, after I was away at school, WHY did she have to get involved with him? And WHY did she have to brag about it to me? It wasn't really even the bragging itself, as much as the smug tone of voice. That was killer. It must have been, since it still gets me so hard after all these years.
Whew. Thanks for the opportunity to purge. Now if someone can just tell me how to get over it, already...
It goes back to the days of Bret and everything that surrounded that whole situation. I had a friend, and for our purposes here today I'll call her Patsy. Patsy and I were in classes and clubs together, and we considered ourselves friends. Quite good friends, in fact, along with a few other girls. And I really thought she was a friend, until later on. You see, somehow over a period of less than a year, Patsy betrayed my trust. THREE TIMES. I don't take kindly to that. Patsy is probably the only person, in fact, that I hold this much of a grudge against, and she probably doesn't even know it, or if she does, she doesn't know why.
The first betrayal involved Bret. Basically, since Patsy was one of my best friends, she was also one of the only people who knew what went on between me and him. She may, in fact, have been THE only person, other than the two of us. That is, until she told her boyfriend. Who turned around and blabbed to Bret about it, in the form of asking him things like, "Did you really do that? How can you do that?" (Revealing, BTW, his own embarrassing lack of skills...) That alone put up a wall between Bret and I, and then she fortified the wall after I left for college, by blabbing to him all the details of my... ummm... liberation, shall we say? It took several years and several letters before he and I healed that damage, and we were never able to put it completely right again.
The second betrayal involved the man who wound up being my boyfriend after Bret and I fell apart but before I went away to school. We'll call him Ray. Ray and I were still together when I left for college. I later found out that he, too, had started cheating on me pretty quickly. There is really no defense for my cheating, especially the way I did, other than to say that I was quite emotionally vulnerable at the time, and one man (boy, really) was able to take advantage of that to an extent. Seeing myself as damaged goods after that, I just kinda let go. After a few months, and a proposal from Ray that I studiously ignored, Ray suddenly called me... in the dorm room of the guy I had been, ummm... seeing rather exclusively for several weeks. He confronted me with my cheating, conveniently failing to mention the woman HE was seeing, and gave me an ultimatum. It was a bitter and angry breakup. Months later, when he and I were able to talk about it civilly, he dropped the bomb... Patsy, it seems, went to college near where he was stationed. And it was she who told him about my infidelity. Now, granted, it was wrong of me to be unfaithful. I know that, I acknowledge my responsibility. But what kind of friend tells your secrets?
Third... and this is the one that's stinging right now... there was another guy in high school that I had a crush on. He was a friend, and one that I'm sure had no clue how attracted I was to him. But SHE sure knew. So later on, after I was away at school, WHY did she have to get involved with him? And WHY did she have to brag about it to me? It wasn't really even the bragging itself, as much as the smug tone of voice. That was killer. It must have been, since it still gets me so hard after all these years.
Whew. Thanks for the opportunity to purge. Now if someone can just tell me how to get over it, already...
posted by SaraSmile | 10:48 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home